I
have gone from cross country travel to backing up and punting. It is
not my finest hour. Sure I could have done things differently or not
made such bold statements but then I wouldn't have lived so loudly
these last few months and I wouldn't be so sure that 92% of my recent
decisions have been spot on. But, none the less it is 4th
down and I am a long my from the end zone.
Do
you ever think that it is so unbelievable that you could have things
you dream about that you probably sabotage yourself more then you
strive to set yourself up for success? For those of us who understand
this there is always the voice inside our insecure selves that is
completely sure we don't deserve to be happy. Life can be fine or OK.
But is can't be great. That is the acre I live on.
Well,
I have not given up my quest to change that. I am just slower at it
then I thought I would be. It is like my dreams and my vision are up
on the horizon and my timing belt just broke down here in the valley
where my weary heart is stuck .
I
need to remind myself that this is just a punt, however. In just 4
more crashes to the turf, I will have the ball back.
In
the meantime; I am on a budget. And with all great budgets come
creative recipes. I remember when I was 17 and moved to Atlanta with
three girlfriends from high school after graduation. My main meal
consisted of wheat bread, mustard, cheese and Doritos (mashed between
the bread). It was the most de-lish sandwich. Accompanied by a cold
beer or some Moonshine concoction we could score, it was particularly
tasty. And oddly slimming. I lost 20 lbs my first 2 years in the
'real world'.
I
don't know why it is ever referred to as that. It is disrespectful to
young people who live in the real world well before their due date.
Now,
some 20 lbs later, I realize how much I miss that Doritos &
Cheese Sandwich. How perfectly simply and lovely a time it was when
that sandwich reigned. Working two and three jobs with no direction.
Going out on a Tuesday to some club in the city where we had to
flaunt false ages to attend and then high-fivein' the paper-boy on
the way in Wednesday morning as we scrambled to don work clothes for
our 'real world' dalliances. I never realized until now; but each one
of us, my room mates and I, were living an element of escapism in these early
years. We flew by the seat of our pants and laughed and played as we had been denied by household responsibility or expectations for
years before. We were free to be free for the first time in our young
lives.
Now,
we are grown ups. I am a grown up. But I still dream and I still want
to be free. Free to eat Doritos & Cheese Sandwiches on Wheat w/
golden mustard and a cold beer. Free to be free again...
All our dreams are found the 2nd star to the right and straight on 'til mornin'. No matter what our age, no matter what our status is never 'too late' to realize our dreams. As long as we can dream of our star we can find it. Some give up their dream and lose track of that star early and end up unsatisfied and bitter without ever really coming to grips with why. To some of us, the dream never dies. No matter how long the odds seem to be that dream keeps burning brightly in our minds and in our souls. We are the lucky ones, our dream has not dimmed over the years, but has continued to shine forth with the radiance that warms our soul and strengthens our resolve. Yes we've trod the road less traveled but oh the sights we've seen and the the most wondrous fellow dreamers we've met. I for one don't want to end up like Citizen Kane where the most wonderful (and perhaps even only worthwhile) memory of his life, came decades before. My early years after graduation had its own cheap staple. Being a country girl, I would cook large pots of 'soup beans' and a pone of cornbread and eat off of that for many days in a row. There has been days in recent years (like this past week) where I have again been forced to 'fall back' on eating that old staple of mine. So just remember that while the road less traveled is by definition sparsely populated, it is the path of a few others. I am glad you are also following your star. Support is here if you need it.
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